It is almost Christmas…YIKES
I always get through Thanksgivings without much emotion, but when it comes to Christmas, I am a mess. There are some explainable triggers relating to Christmas, but knowing why I feel so up and down doesn’t necessary make it easier to deal with. However, I suppose that having a battle plan might be helpful.
First, I have to face my triggers. I almost died of cancer during the Christmas season when I was in my early thirties with a young child to raise. That one is hard to forget. I was a few days away from death through organ failure when my surgeon in shining armor came in and saved me. There are two ways to think about this event. My initial reaction was shock. It took me 9 months before my teeth stopped chattering. Dying is a really unpleasant experience, and going through its initial stages totally freaked me out. While my personal and professional life from the outside looks quite successful, the chattering teeth incident switched on depression and terrible anxiety. So Christmas is my official anniversary of genuine fear for my physical safety and sanity. In fact, it has so invaded my psyche that I am having nightmares about it. The other take on this is that I writing this blog, because I survived it all. My survival is a miracle.
So the options are: 1) anniversary of terrible event, or 2) miracle that I survived terrible event. You can guess what option I have focused on almost exclusively. I give the miracle option a lick and a promise, only because my doctors keep telling me that they can not explain what happened on the physical side.
This year, I have decided to dip my toe into the waters of “this has worked out well.” Just writing this makes me feel uncomfortable, so I will take it slow. I think I will say the serenity prayer, “accept things I can not change” (that it happened) and change the things I can (attitude about surviving). If I do that every day in December until Christmas, it will be like an Advent calendar where you open a door every day until Christmas. I love Advent calendars so that can’t be too hard. Right?????
My other big trigger is my father’s alcoholism and how it has affected my life. Generally, it made it harder. My plan for that is to attend by telephone an Alcoholics for Adult Children meeting every day. (Go on line to get the numbers). Listening to people who had the same experience as kids allows me to work through my current feelings.
The second part of the battle plan is to set up fun events. For example, I just bought a ticket to go see the ballet, “The Nutcracker.” Also, I plan to have people over for good food and some cheer.
Finally, this is a traditional time to address spiritual needs during the darkest time of the year. It is a time to re-invent yourself. I have 25 days to think about what that means to me. I am going on a retreat with others to discuss what “re-invent” means in the context of the birth of Christ. (Yes, I am a sort-of Catholic). I think Jesus is love, but am unclear that the Church has anything else right.
So there you have my battle plan. I am sure I will falter, but hopefully I will pull myself up again.